Through the Rear View Mirror

Twenty years ago today, at about this same time of the morning, I was in a surgery recovery room. Mourning. Weeping. Hurting.

My twin babies had gone to be with Jesus. The babies I had seen only through the lens of a sonogram. The babies I had nurtured in my womb for four months and in my heart for years.

My physical pain was significant, but my emotional pain was overwhelming. Bereft. Bereaved. Bewildered.

The pain gave way to anger, confusion. I tend to process information internally – as opposed to my husband, Writer, who talks all the time processes information externally. The thoughts in my head were jumbled, messy, condemning.

Why? Why me? What was wrong with my body? Thirteen-year-old girls were able to do this, why couldn't I? Thirteen-year-old girls were disposing of their babies in abortion clinics and dumpsters. I had been a "good girl." Why had God not seen that? Why had He not honored that? Why had He not protected my babies?

No one knew what to say. My mother drove 250 miles through the night to be with me before I went into surgery. Our pastor loved on us and prayed with us. Friends brought food (hey, it's the South. Food is ALWAYS appropriate!!!).

The grief was unbearable. It settled on me. Hovered over me. Never fully lifted. Until.

Until I allowed Jesus to bring healing. Until I allowed Him to speak the truth to my heart. Until I allowed His redemptive work – even in or especially in – the midst of terrible circumstances.

Slowly, and after additional miscarriages, I began to understand that my heart's desire was to be a mother. That my children didn't need to look like me or Writer. Didn't need to have his blue eyes or my brown hair.

No longer was I limited to what we could produce (yes, it's a double entendre). I had the vastness of God's love and His good plan for me – His plan not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future.

So, this morning I wept for the loss of my precious babies. Then my mourning turned to dancing as I rejoiced over Ballerina and Sketcher. One who hears music like I do and one who walks (and talks) like Writer.

This sustained me:

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
(Psalm 27:13, NKJV)

This is to encourage you today:

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord;
be brave and of good courage
and let your heart be stout and enduring.
Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
(Psalm 27:14, Amplified)

Seven Minutes of Pure Joy

This weekend, Ballerina performed as a gypsy at the ballet. Seven minutes of pure joy!

Lots of work. Challenging combinations. Hardest performance to date. Loved every second of it.

She takes classes six days a week, rehearses multiple times a week for many, many weeks. All to perform for seven minutes on the stage.

What are you pursuing with equal passion?

P.S. Writer has (at least for now) agreed to let me post photos of Ballerina and Sketcher. I'll try not to overwhelm the system with pics!!

I Need The Savior

My pastor just emailed this to our congregation. I pray that it speaks to your heart like it did to mine. Oh, how I need the Savior.

One of the problems we have as Christians is that we often forget that we have a Savior. Since birth, we have been trying to save ourselves. The child who tells a fib is trying to not get caught. She is convinced that her lie will save her. The adolescent who cheats on a test is trying to save himself from failing. The adult who worries and schemes about how to solve whatever problem is on that day's agenda is trying to save himself or herself.

After Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit, they hid, thinking that they could save themselves from the one person who could actually save them. They made aprons of fig leaves and chose darkness rather than light, thinking that by hiding, they would not be seen. Ever since, we, as fallen men and women, have unsuccessfully tried to make broken situations work. We have tried to save ourselves from unforseen consequences.

Many Christians spend the majority of their time trying to save themselves. We might not do it intentionally, but it happens. Why do we worry? Worry is our attempt to work out a plan to save ourselves.

When we become our own saviors, it never works. When we try to save ourselves, we turn to the darkness to hide us. Darkness, however, always betray us. Darkness will never save us, yet we believe its lie and agree with it by our actions. Look at Judas. Look at Ananias and Sapphira.

One of the most powerful prayers we can ever pray is, "Lord, I cannot save myself. Please come into the problem and solve it for me." That is the prayer of surrender – "I cannot save myself. I need a Savior." It is powerful because we are turning to the Light rather than to the darkness for aid.

Ask the Lord to show you areas in your life today where you are trying to save yourself. When He shows you, rejoice! Declare, "Lord, I cannot save myself!" Then wait for Him to act on your behalf. He is both Savior and Friend.

The Best Lemon Cake — EVER

Sketcher and I recently tried a couple of new cupcake recipes, in anticipation of his birthday and a church event. The Barefoot Contessa Lemon Cupcake recipe, found here, was nothing short of fabulous. More than week later I still can remember the perfection of the taste and texture. I probably won't bake them again during Lent, but they're on the menu for Easter Sunday.

We tried a chocolate recipe, too. The cupcakes were good. Moist. Tender. Even topped them with fresh raspberries. But they just could not compare to the lemon ones.

P.S. The photo is the answer to this question!

Double Digits

My sweet Sketcher is 10 years old today! He's a constant source of joy in our home and in our hearts. He loves fiercely. He embraces all of life. He sees the good in everyone and is so tenderhearted. His myriad questions make me think -- and simple answers will never do. He's funny, smart, and full of compassion.

On this day, too, I think of the woman who gave him life in Kathmandu, Nepal. I am so very grateful to her. I pray that she will know the peace, joy and love of the Father. And when she grieves the loss of this precious one, I pray that the Holy Spirit will comfort her and heal her heart.

We're off to celebrate!

Sneak Peek

Sketcher and I were in the kitchen all morning. Getting ready for an event tomorrow. Guess what we made!

Boy Art

Sketcher does fabulous contour drawings. He puts together found objects and makes something out of nothing. His imagination never ceases to amaze me. His favorite thing, however, is making story boards. What do you think the stories are for these?

Love Gifts

Ballerina and I spent an afternoon last week preparing little treats for her ballet friends. Such fun!


Her nimble fingers wove baskets from scrapbook paper, fashioned after these. We then filled them with yummy chocolates for some very special friends and ballet instructors.

The next morning, Ballerina and Sketcher got up extra early and made breakfast for Writer and me. Croissants stuffed with ham and cheese, warmed just enough to melt the cheese, served with a variety of fruit. A meal always is more delicious when it's prepared with hands of love. How blessed we are!

25 Random Things

My sister, Professor, tagged me for 25 Random Things About Me. When we were young, I usually could outrun her. But I don't think I can get away fast enough this time. So, here goes . . .

1. Jesus loves me. This I know.


2. My dear husband loves me. And pampers me. And overlooks my myriad faults. Okay, he usually overlooks them. Sometimes he calls me on them. Usually he's right.


3. I'm a really visual person. I love having pictures to help me understand. My children are my favorite illustration of God's grace and mercy.


4. I think chocolate and Coke (the real thing) are food groups in heaven. And I'm pretty sure the Krispy Kreme "Hot Now" sign is always on there, too.


5. I learned to drink hot tea in Morocco when I was five. Still love it.


6. I once traded a pair of David Yurman earrings for a Bernina sewing machine.


7. When Ted Knight was a commentator for the Rose Bowl Parade, he predicted I would be a future Rose Bowl Queen. Sadly, he was mistaken.
   
8. My 40th birthday gift was flying lessons. Loved it. Want to go back to it some time.


9. My niece and I went parasailing in the Bahamas. What a hoot! Ready to do that again, too.


10. A Navy photographer took pictures of me, when I was 14 and looked 18, on board the USS Ranger and plastered them all over the ship. Until someone realized I was the chaplain's daughter. Oops.


11. Even the smallest glimpse of the bay at sunset reminds me of God's vast creativity and beauty.


12. Clothes folding parties are my least favorite parties.


13. I love to cook, to bake, to make pretty table settings.


14. Writer, Ballerina, Sketcher and I usually eat all three meals a day together. Somehow the noon table settings aren't always so pretty (think, clear the school books, move the newspaper and get the placemats . . .).


15. I love it when our home is a refuge for those needing a reprieve.


16. My idea of a fabulous evening is having friends over, enjoying a delicious meal together, and looking up to find that it's midnight already.


17. My favorite lunch out is at a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I always order the same thing. Grilled yellow fin tuna on their homemade baguette with avocados, sprouts, mozzarella, smoked provolone and asiago vinaigrette. Side spinach salad.


18. I like sewing as art, as a means of making gifts, and as a way of making one-of-a-kind dresses for Ballerina. I'm over sewing clothes for myself.


19. I wouldn't trade the finest delivery room in the U.S. for the dingy hotel in China where Ballerina was put in my arms or for the former palace in Nepal where Sketcher waited for us to arrive.


20. So many ideas. So little time. When people ask me what medium I prefer in art, I usually give them a blank stare while I'm trying to come up with a clever answer to what I'm really thinking (You mean I have to choose?). Hmm. Seems like I should have a clever answer ready.


21. Each summer at my grandmother's house, I spent many an hour reading in a mimosa tree while Henry, the bull, grazed below. Somehow the thrill of potential danger outweighed chigger bites.


22. Every time we're driving in a funeral procession and the oncoming cars pull over and wait for the entire procession to pass, I'm reminded that little courtesies mean a lot and that some Southern traditions are worth maintaining.


23. Sometimes when I'm listening to a lengthy explanation or concept I don't understand (because there are no pictures), I try not to let my eyes glaze over (don't want to be rude or give myself away), but I hear the Charlie Brown adult voices in my head (wah, wah, wah).


24. I love church architecture — from the grandest cathedral to the most humble adobe mission. I think God is honored when we bring beauty to our worship spaces.


25. Even though I love my sleep (and never have enough), I love when God wakes me up at night and reminds me to pray for someone.

Out of My Head

For months I've had this blog reserved. I've had various ideas about what and when to write. Some more inspired than others. Some more grandiose than others. But somehow, I just couldn't get from my head to my heart to the keyboard. Until tonight.

So, here I am. I'm eager to see what develops. I have a sense that it'll be as eclectic as my life. And I pray that it will bring honor and glory to my KING.

Find a comfy chair, settle in with a cup of tea or some ice-cold Coke (no ice), and join me in this new adventure. I welcome your thoughts, questions, comments.